Lately I've been reading mystery novels set in Philadelphia by the wonderful writer, William Lashner. In Fatal Flaw, he riffs on the word love, and the depth of our understanding of this experience:
What are we looking at when we are looking at love? Eskimos have like six billion words for snow because they understand snow. Don't ever try to snow an Eskimo. But for six billion different permutations of emotional attachment we have just one word. Why? Because we don't have a clue.
This caught my eye because lately Susann and I have been exploring what it means to be "in love." The experience clearly has nothing to do with hormone-driven activity.
Instead, genuine love involves the commitment to show up for one another in a responsible way, moment after moment. I find it hard to do.
And I don't have a word for it.
Photo by Yamanaka Tamaki
love is a wonder indeed. yet, whose love is more genuine? perhaps love of juliet from the play? perhaps it's love of the sun giving life every instant? or is it love of a rock which once saved life of a human and took life of a beast?
'it's totally different' - they'd say. indeed so. and for this very reason it is the same. at least thus i heard. from a rock :)
good luck.
mickael
Posted by: mickael | October 27, 2008 at 08:44 AM
Hi Mickael, it's great to hear from you. Thanks for your comment!
Love is always changing, isn't it? Just like everything else in this world. The word for this experience covers so much emotion and expression - even a rock can feel it, even a beast can express it.
Thanks again,
Barry
Posted by: Barry Briggs | October 27, 2008 at 08:49 AM
Hello Barry,
We were talking about this area in Sociology class the other day. Our Western 'romantic love' ideal is really quite strange: its really a recipe for dissatisfaction much of the time. We look at other cultures where there are arranged, childhood marriages with no opt-out clause and we shudder at the lack of choice, freedom, the lack of 'true love' (on our own western-centric terms)... but are we really any happier with all our choice and freedom? We value highly that we choose our 'perfect match' but there are many cultural, social and learned interpersonal factors at play in who we end up with.
Some other cultures quite rightly consider our values around romantic notions of love truly bizarre.
The cycle of...
infatuation-desire-courtship-engagement...
marriage-children-relationship counselling- divorce-further counselling for all concerned
Does provide a certain amount of economic stability though I suppose!
Here's some wisdom from that old romantic Kodo Sawaki Roshi:
Everybody talks about marrying for love, but isn’t it really just marrying for sex? In the end isn’t it really only about a penis and a vagina? Why doesn’t anybody simply say that he’s fallen in love with a vagina?
Take a look sometime at the face of a dog who’s just had sex. He just stares into space with strangely empty eyes. It’s exactly the same with people – in the beginning they work themselves up into a frenzy, and in the end there’s nothing at all.
A man who understands nothing marries a woman who understands nothing, and everyone says, “Congratulations!” Now that’s something I cannot understand.
http://antaiji.dogen-zen.de/eng/kodo-sawaki-to-you.shtml
Regards,
Harry.
Posted by: Harry | October 27, 2008 at 12:58 PM
Good post, Barry.
I think love just is and sometimes it isn't. Like you said, it's constantly changing and as far as I feel, love is all around us. :)
Peace. And love.
Posted by: Uku | October 27, 2008 at 02:49 PM
Just wanted to share this story from Paulo Coelho's blog; a short story about love:
The cloud and the dune
http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2008/10/28/the-cloud-and-the-dune/#comment-57496
Gassho,
Uku
Posted by: Uku | October 28, 2008 at 05:51 AM
Just wanted to share a short story about love from Paulo Coelho's blog. Great story.
http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2008/10/28/the-cloud-and-the-dune/
Gassho,
Uku
Posted by: Uku | October 28, 2008 at 05:55 AM
Holy crap! I wrote that comment again because some error occurred in my laptop. But the first comment went through after all. You can delete the first and this comment. :)
Gassho,
Uku
Posted by: Uku | October 28, 2008 at 05:58 AM
Hi Harry, Thanks for your comment and especially thanks for the teaching from Kodo Sawaki Roshi. All of us probably know what it's like to be that dog staring into space. We mistake that for love and then enter the cycle you describe so well. But when teachers describe Great Love, this is not what they mean. As we practice we can find Great Love. For me, an intimate relationship creates the best opportunity for discovering whether I can walk the talk of Great Love. Mostly, I stumble.
Hi Uku, thanks for your comment. There's no doubt that romantic love is always changing. But what about Great Love - do we fall in and out of this? Thanks also for sharing Paulo Coelho's remarkable story about the cloud and dune. The cloud had Great Love and offered itself completely.
In the Zen tradition, the koan "Nan Chuan and the Cat" calls forth Great Love. What can we offer to save the cat? Can we become the cloud?
Posted by: Barry Briggs | October 28, 2008 at 08:30 AM
Hi Barry,
Maybe I misread this topic title as 'The Misery of love'? :-)
Great Love may be very simple... until its made complicated... by teachers etc!
So you just buy a kesa in your club? You might just have a convertee on your hands, bud.
Regards to you and your Good Lady,
Harry.
Posted by: Harry | October 28, 2008 at 05:53 PM
Hi Harry - "misery of love" - OH YES!
I don't know if Great Love is simple or complicated. Truly, I don't know.
The Korean Zen tradition is very matter-of-fact about most things. You need a kesa? buy one! When hungry, just eat - don't mess with lots of chants 'n' stuff.
How goes the sewing?
Barry
Posted by: Barry Briggs | October 29, 2008 at 06:35 AM
Hi Barry,
Sewing is on hiatus because I'm not sure I really need one. Maybe I'll just buy one and eat instead!
Regards,
Harry.
Posted by: Harry | October 29, 2008 at 06:56 AM