Practice

I've practiced steadily for nearly 22 years so you'd think I'd know better . . . but lately I've watched my mind whip itself into a frenzy of not-enough.

Not enough attainment. Not enough clarity. Not enough enlightenment. Just not enough of something that I think is different from what I actually have.

In the midst of my self-generated dust storm, I came across these words from Kwong Roshi in No Beginning, No End:

This is what the training should do - defeat you, defeat  your thoughts, defeat your idea for the preservation of yourself.

Well, this sound wonderful to my thinking mind, but my gaining mind won't tolerate it. So I've been struggling.

Then I came across this passage from Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche on the Shambhala Sunspace blog:

On the whole, the practice of meditation is a sloppy job. You have to accept that you have been a fool and start with being foolish.

In the beginning, deciding to try the practice of meditation is just leaping to some conclusion about what to do. In doing the practice at the beginning, rather than really meditating, you just imagine that you are meditating. So to begin with, the whole practice is based on confusion. And confusion is accepted as part of the path.

Since the situation is very loose and unorganized, it is as though you are leaping into unknown territory. A lot of people find that very frightening. You are not quite sure what you are involved with. But that is the only way to get into the practice.

Honestly, I think I'm still at the beginning of this work. Foolish mind, beginner's mind. Right?

Comments

[Alan]

What would you do if you were at the end of this work?

[Ben Howard]

Barry -

Case 46 of the Gateless Gate may be relevant to the questions you're asking: How do you step off of a 100-foot pole?

Could it be that your awareness of your "self-generated dust storm" is your practice, as is your awareness of wanting that practice to be otherwise?

Gassho,
Ben

[Genju]

Thank you for pointing... the way, the useless moon, the puny mountain, the dribbling rivers... ;-)

[David Ashton]

Yup. I think I'm still at the beginning too. But life would be dull if we weren't leaping into the unknown at every moment, even if we splat against a wall once in a while....

[Katherine]

The not enough syndrome is the topic of an already drafted, yet very much hesitate to publish post. It's an age old trick of the mind, this not being okay with things just as they are. I appreciate that you recognize our waking up is an ongoing business, this moment and the next. And the one after that too.

[zendotstudio]

just what I needed to read after an encounter that leaves the taste in my mouth of the "not enough fool".